Role of a Lifetime
by Oxymoronic Alliteration
Summary: Tim conemplates his relationship with Tony, likening it to a theatrical production in which both assume roles rather than be the men they are. The second story in my Bare series.


"Phew! TGIF, huh, guys?" Tony asked. At his suggestion, a nice-sized group of employees had decided to make a stop at one of the local bars to celebrate the start of the weekend, including Tim and Abby. The latter was currently enjoying the attention of the tattooed bartender while the former was silently sipping at his wine, his eyes nervously darting around the circle, paying specific attention to Tony.

Tony, in the meantime, was taking great pleasure in his role as self-appointed host of the event. He had that cool confidence and easy-going nature that most people wished for. No one could have known the desires that bubbled inside of him.

_Everything is an act when you're pleasing everyone. _

_And he assumes that role to such renown. _

_He plays a perfect part, _

_Straight from his heart, _

_Knowing the risk he takes, _

_And hoping that the house is not brought down._

Tim really couldn't say he hadn't known what he was getting into when he and Tony hooked up. He knew as well as anyone how important sexual anonymity was, especially in the law enforcement world. You talked about the women or you didn't talk at all. Everyone talked about how open-minded they were, how they didn't hate homosexuals. And, for the most part, Tim believed that to be true. He knew the men and women with whom he worked and he knew that if he were a neighbor or acquaintance, his sexuality wouldn't have been an issue. But working with them? Being the man who was supposed to have their backs? Well, try as they might, it was hard for them to look at a gay man and see anything other than his sexuality.

What had surprised him was how well Tony managed to fit in with them. Tony didn't just play the role of a straight man the way an actor might play Hamlet or Medea; he embraced it with ferocity, diving into it so deeply that he almost became the character. In fact, in his role he almost became the stereotypical straight male seen in fictional depictions: lewd comments, roaming hands, a great rapport with his male cohorts.

It was something Tim couldn't quite master. Sure, no one suspected he was gay—they assumed he was too much of a geek to even have a sex life, let alone one that didn't involve women—but he wasn't the man's man Tony was.

He didn't really want to be.

_The role of a lifetime, _

_It's living a fantasy. _

_A drama that you struggle to erase. _

_Thoughts battle words over deeds, _

_A war with such casualties, _

_All played out behind a smiling face._

Tim spent more than one night by himself, sitting in his apartment and thinking about the relationship. He thought about Tony. He thought about their co-workers. He thought about his family. He thought about himself.

It was difficult to make decisions when your heart and brain were conflicted. His heart said to come out with it, to start admitting who he was and to let his love lead him through life. His brain said to keep it hidden, to keep his private life private and to focus on self-preservation above all else. He didn't know how two parts of himself could hold such opposing views, but he knew he couldn't let anyone know the struggle going on inside of him. So he hid it behind shy smiles, never letting his feelings bubble over, never verbalizing his concerns. It was better that way, wasn't it? Besides, who could truly say they were completely honest to themselves, that they didn't hide any part of them away, locked within them, urging to break free?

_God, I need you guidance, _

_Tell me what it means, _

_To live a life where nothing's as it seems. _

_Spending days in silent fear _

_And spending nights in lonely prayer, _

_Hoping that once day when you wake _

_Those feelings won't be there._

If he'd had a choice in the matter, Tim would have chosen to be straight. To be "normal." Living a life this way was difficult, no matter who you were or where you lived. If he could have been straight, could have been just one of the normal guys…maybe life wouldn't have been the struggle for him that it had been.

It wasn't that he was suicidal or anything; he had no intention of killing himself. It was just that Tim wasn't one who liked to stand out. When you stood out, it made people expect something from you. Skipping two grades and attending a top college wasn't exactly the way to blend into the background. Coming out would have only heightened his visibility among his peers.

So he'd hidden it. He'd squelched every thought and desire that arose inside of him, writing it off as a phase. Sure, that didn't stop some of the more vocal high school bullies from throwing homophobic slurs his way or pounding him down in what they referred to as "Fag Bashing," but Tim knew that was just their way of trying to insult him, to strip him down to his barest form and make him feel vulnerable. None of them knew how right they were.

Every night, when he went to bed, he would hope that he would wake up the next day and find that it wasn't so, that he wasn't the way he was.

Until he met Tony.

_I'm so confused because I feel complete with him. _

_When we're alone it all somehow makes sense. _

_Look into his eyes _

_For some compromise, _

_Remember the word forget _

_And try to bury something so intense._

Somehow, Tony made things okay. Being gay suddenly didn't feel so lonely or wrong; it just felt normal. Because Tony was a normal guy. He liked sports, he watched movies, he knocked back beers at the end of the work week. He was your average Joe, the kind of guy people couldn't help but like. Tim sure couldn't help it, no matter how insufferable Tony could be at times.

If Tony could be gay and still manage to fit in, why couldn't Tim?

_You learn to play the straight man, _

_Your lines become routine, _

_Never really saying what you mean. _

"Wow! That is one A-class hottie, huh?"

The question came from Agent Marrin, one of the hotshot special agents who'd made himself a friend of Tony's. The two of them had very similar personalities and clicked as friends. Tim had become something of a tag-along friend. He knew Marrin didn't really care for him, but Tony always invited him on their outings, likely as a way of keeping Tim from growing jealous.

"Definitely a perfect ten on the DiNozzo scale," Tony said in agreement before knocking back his beer.

Tim looked at the woman in question. She had on way too much eye make-up and was wearing a skirt that was only an inch from being declared indecent. Furthermore, her breasts were so perky and disproportionate to her body that he suspected they were more silicon than flesh. He supposed he was biased, but even if he were straight, he couldn't see himself falling for that kind of woman.

Still, he had an appearance to uphold…

"Really hot," he agreed.

Agent Marrin looked at him appraisingly. "You've got good case after all, McGee."

"See?" Tony said, giving Tim a hearty smack on the back. "He's not a complete failure."

Tim wanted to kiss him right then and there. He wanted to close the gap between them and pull him into a tight embrace. He wanted to see the look of shock on Marrin's face as his very notion of who Tony was crumbled around him. The look on everyone's faces.

But he didn't do any of those things. Instead, he gave a tight-lipped smile, once again suppressing the urge to be himself.

_But I know the scene with change, _

_White picket fences and a dog, _

_A trophy bride and children, _

_God, I know that's what he wants. _

"I'm going to go for it," Tony said firmly, nodding toward the aforementioned woman.

Marrin gave him a slap to the back. "Yes! I love to see the master at work. I'll bet you'll be taking her home tonight."

What Tim knew about Tony was that he wanted, more than anything, to be normal. Tony never said it, but Tim suspected that he wanted to have the nuclear family with the wife, 2.4 children, and family dog. Tim could already imagine the kind of wife Tony would want: blonde, tall, voluptuous. Maybe a former beauty queen. Definitely a former cheerleader. The kind of women normal guys wanted. The exact opposite of who Tim was.

Tony was fairly guarded about his past. Tim knew his mother was dead and that his father wasn't exactly present in his life. Tim also knew that Tony came from a rich family, one that probably came with high expectations about how he lived his life.

_But what role do I play? _

_Am I a savior or a phase? _

_Am I here to damn you _

_Or to help you navigate this maze _

_Where confusion is a crime, _

_So you fill your life with sound _

_And if you dance like hell _

_You hope you'll never touch the ground. _

So where did this leave Tim? What did this make him? Was he the last fling before settling down into another relationship, this one built on lies and expectations? Was their relationship important to Tony or was it just something to occupy his time? Where would he be in five or ten years time?

Tim didn't take his romances so lightly. He had no interest in one-night stands or frivolous sex; for him, if he made the commitment it was because he wanted a true relationship, someone to talk to and who would be a friend as well as a lover. If the relationship ended at some point down the road—for reasons neither part could have seen when it began—so be it, but he didn't like entering into something he didn't intend to see through until the end. That's how it had always been for him, from starting a book to starting his job at NCIS. Tim had his weaknesses, but he wasn't a quitter.

He often wondered at the end of each date, if that would be the last, if the next day Tony would end it, telling him he'd had his fill but was now ready to be like the other guys. He never voiced these concerns, knowing that Tony would just tell him he was being paranoid, and with every kiss he felt himself hoping against hope that this would be The One, the love of his life, to be there through it all, for better or worse.

They each had to choose how they would deal with the pressures. For Tim it was by quietly keeping his head down; for Tony, it was by throwing himself into life and turning a blind eye to reality.

What would happen, he wondered, down the line, when all of their choices caught up to them? Would they have to pay for words unsaid and things undone? Would they bury themselves so deeply in denial that they would completely lose who they were?

_What happens when the music stops? _

_In the silence will he stay _

_One day realize _

_That these feelings aren't going away?_

"McGee?"

He looked up, not realizing how long he'd been lost in his own thoughts.

It was Tony who'd beckoned him. He was standing there, but the woman wasn't with him. In fact, most of their colleagues had already gone, including Marrin. The few stragglers were playing a game of pool on the other side of the bar, leaving Tim and Tony all alone.

"What happened to your sexual conquest?"

"Who? The one with the bad make-up job?" Tony asked with a sour face. "Not my type, McGee."

"She sure seemed like your type a few minutes ago."

"That was just for Marrin's sake; poor guy can't get any, so he likes to think he's living vicariously through me. Just think if he knew exactly what my bedroom habits were like," he said with a wicked smile.

But Tim wasn't exactly smiling. "You're very convincing."

"I do my best. Now, I've got a brand new bottle of gin at my place, waiting to be opened, and a fresh cherry pie. You interested?"

It amazed Tim how smoothly Tony could transition between his personas, how he could go from wooing a Barbie doll woman (or pretending to woo her, at least) to playfully wooing a chubby, shy, male geek in a manner of minutes. It shouldn't have surprised him as much as he did; it was such a regular occurrence. And still he marveled at it, as though he were watching a Shakespearian performance. He even had half a mind to applaud.

"Are you interested or not?" Tony asked, head cocked to the side in a manner that Tim found so endearing.

He nodded and followed Tony out of the bar.

Another performance done.

_So we drive ourselves insane _

_Spinning circles in our souls_

_As we dance around and play pretend_

_And once again_

_Reprise our roles_


End file.
